24/ music video time

hello, friends. i’m moving house tomorrow. san francisco has been wonderful. it has also been where i’ve been the most depressed in my life — totally not the fault of the place, honestly a coincidence, but i’ve been clawing my way through a grueling mental health recovery journey that i haven’t worked out how to talk about yet without being flippant or glib or ironic or whatever, and basically,

i fucking hate moving house but oh boy, this particular move is lining up perhaps nicely with a Positive Life Transition and, like rocket scientists piggybacking on orbits to slingshot craft through space, i love to ride on the energy of Various Symbolic Shit like house moves and birthdays and new year’s eve and such. the nice thing about having a powerful imagination is that you can romanticise anything.

deep breath.

i’m scared of leaving the city because there is some indescribable energy to places like this that i love. i felt it in london too. but today we picked up the keys and we’re not moving too far, it’s less than an hour’s drive, but the weather’s better and i grew up in suburban sydney, and so — as you can imagine — i think i’m gonna settle in just fine in a rented condo in silicon valley.

it will be nice living away from some of the more sandblasting-the-soul aspects of city life (to be fair, some of it is just american life. a good chunk of it. it’s just more visible in the middle of the city than in some leafy wealthy neighbourhood). i will enjoy the peace. it will be so good having fewer absolute fucking cunts roaring through the streets on heinously loud affronts to the auditory system. i will miss the indescribably alluring thrum of the city, the grime and the noise and the rattle of metro train cars but the thing is,

i think i have some pretty strong interoception/alexithymia issues (wow i wonder why that took me almost three decades to realise lmao) and i think living somewhere more sensorily friendly and pleasant vibe-wise will set me at ease in some way that i won’t directly observe but will definitely benefit from.

and i love spending all my time alone/indoors/occupied with pursuits i can do anywhere, so it’ll be good. i reckon. i will love making art.

i am afraid that i will not create anything. there are so many things i want to make. to write. to draw. to craft. and there is so much willpower needed that i feel is just crushed beneath the weight of [mental health issues and such i can’t be arsed to get into].

but.

fuck that.

i’m gonna die one day, one day soon in the scheme of the universe (hopefully not soon to me ha hahah hahahah)

i am too tired for this fear. i am annoyed. i am tired of wimping out of making shit. god there’s so much garbage in the world. god i want to add to it and god i create some god-tier garbage.

it’s been eight months since my last post. i’ve been so afraid of updating because i just don’t know what to write and blah blah blah and it’s got to the point where every single (miraculous btw) email i’ve gotten about a new subscriber to the vampire shift sent me into a vortex of GUILT because oh GOD i haven’t been posting anything!!!!!

but yeah whatever fuck that

hi i’m back! welcome! thank you every the fuck so much for dropping by and even more so if you’ve subscribed/stuck around! what the hell. there are so many of you new names here. oh my god. i hope you like reading about my edgy dysfunctional vampire hornballs. i will be introducing them to you (again) soon. their characters have developed somewhat.

they have been in development hell for ages. perhaps 2025 is the year for freedom.