DEAREST READERS. I come to you with the first update in A While. Okay, so. I’ve somehow got a case of blank-page-paralysis with writing this very newsletter, which is ridiculous and annoying because the only people currently reading it are people who enjoy it. It’s a good crowd. Also, no-one cares. We’re all going to die. Fuck it. But also I guess because you’re reading this, I care about making this a good reading experience. So far, though, that’s manifested in absolutely no update at all so instead I’m just going to type for next six minutes or so and NOT BACKSPACE and also try to not stop typing for longer than a few seconds so here goes!
The content of this update will be:
ACCESS ALL AREAS (short story) progress update
THE VAMPIRE SHIFT (novel) progress update
NEWSLETTER THOUGHTS (how meta)
??? SOMETHING FUN, I HAVEN’T THOUGHT OF IT YET
Alright here we go.
1. ACCESS ALL AREAS (short story) progress update
This is not going to be completed by the end of the year. I’m so sorry. But also not that sorry. I had the idea of having it be done by Christmas but life got in the way and also I realised that January in the UK fucking sucks balls whereas December at least has the lights and glitz and festive spirit blah blah of Christmas and New Year, so you know what? Not gonna drop the story in December. (Drop. I half-hate that term. Reminds me too much of the mainstream-annoying part of the Internet and youth culture, whereas I’m all about the niche-annoying part of the Internet and youth culture, thanks.) I’ll definitely want to get it done in the first couple months of 2023 though, otherwise I’ll actually go insane.
I actually discarded an newsletter update that I was writing some time last week or so, and it was just a couple paragraphs of me being like ‘this is hard and I’m thinking it’s maybe not good and also who fucking cares it’s a vampire porn’ and I really like the last seven words of that. That is a good thing to keep in mind in a ‘free yourself from fear’ way. Oh no I’m definitely over-analysing every single thing I write in excruciating detail.
FUCK IT. NO BACKSPACING. (Except I have done so, for typos and stuff like that.)
This update’s gonna end up four thousand words long or something, isn’t it. Oh man, I actually am going to set a timer so I don’t accidentally do that. Okay I’ll write for the next seven minutes. Here goes.
I haven’t actually told you anything about this story except that I’m not going to get it done this year LOL. Okay, so. I was feeling emo and crap about it and it was not fun, but then I discovered a hack that sort of … worked … a bit … I changed the font of the second draft’s Google Doc to be a humanist sans serif instead of a serif. The nice serif font I think was making me … think … it needed to be polished? In some way? Because it looks like a fancy thing you’d print in a book. It was beautiful but it was constricting. Also I think changing fonts was just helpful because it kind of shook things up a bit. I feel like I’m doing an absolutely terrible job explaining this, and I feel somewhat self-conscious when I’m doing a terrible job writing but then I remember this is a stream of consciousness with no backspacing so whatevs.
So I have the ending for this story written (in Draft 2; roughly) and also the beginning and the main action (ayy) is like starting but I’m having trouble nailing (ayy) the banter that kinda leads into it. I think I need to lower my standards here because it’s clearly not working. Dear self: Draft 2 doesn’t need to be perfect. It just needs to meet the goals I set myself, i.e. institute the broad changes that I decided were necessary after reading/annotating Draft 1. I won’t tell you what those changes are because I think too much knowledge about the details of a WIP make the end product a bit less enjoyable? I’ll discuss it in the post-portem post. Well not post-mortem because the story will finally be LIVE, so … post-vivum? I’m not googling it. Whatever.
TL;DR slow difficult going with this second draft of the short story but I’m GOING TO FUCKING DO IT OKAY I PROMISE. Here, here’s a realistic and suitable deadline: VALENTINE’S DAY 2023. It’ll be published before then. Cool. In the meantime, please all of you lower your expectations. Let me tell you that what I’m writing is about the level of quality as Fifty Shades of Grey. Please believe that. Not because it’s actually true (unless I am literally delusional) but because then you’ll be pleasantly surprised when you read it. Or … oh my god shut up @ self I NEED to stop fucking shooting myself in the foot.
Oh yeah, I also just googled pictures of grand pianos to figure out the logistics of fucking against one. There, that’s a little tidbit for ya.
2. THE VAMPIRE SHIFT (novel) progress update
I’ve not been writing much of this draft due to focusing on the short story, but I’m thinking about the characters and storyline and stuff all the time in the background in some way anyway. One of the best things about being insane about your own WIP is seeing memes and shitposts and being like ‘yeah that’s my OC’ etc.
The other night I had a breakthrough in the realm of Sasha’s character development. And the way I got to this was literally by noticing that an aspect of Killian’s character that I’d just decided was spy-type stuff and that when I was a little kid I LOVED spy-type stuff. I say that like I don’t still love it. I do, just — in the realm of fiction and theory and all that, because real life espionage … no thanks. No, I’m much too able to imagine how grim that is as a real thing … I do however still enjoy a ton of espionage things as a fiction thing. Which is why I’m writing a story and not pretending to be a homeless person sitting outside an important building, covered in piss and being invisible for the sake of helping my state learn things. That’s literally a great way for real spies to blend into places apparently. I didn’t just come up with that. I heard it on a podcast or something. Which is a super-reputable source of info obviously. Anyway.
I noticed ‘hey, I’m incorporating this thing that I loved as a kid’ and then went ‘what other things did I love that I can bring to life now’ and that is how I did a Good Character Idea. What is that idea? Not interesting to go into in detail.
I’m really being hamstrung by this no-backspacing thing, as are you readers (perhaps), or maybe you’re really enjoying this. Who knows. I’m wasting time here. I did not stick to the self-imposed time limit OBVIOUSLY. But I’m gonna wrap this up now quick for the sake of sanity.
3. NEWSLETTER THOUGHTS (how meta)
I’m going to create some kind of regular update schedule and follow it. I’m thinking every Thursday, or maybe every other Thursday. Yes I know it’s Friday now. I wanted to get this out yesterday but Life Happened.
But yes. Regular (Actually Regular) updates coming soon, at least in 2023. Who knows for the rest of this year :)
Is there anything in particular you’d enjoy seeing in this newsletter by the way? Like. If you have opinions/ideas … by all means lemme know.
4. ??? SOMETHING FUN, I HAVEN’T THOUGHT OF IT YET
(Remember this extract? Here’s a chunk continuing on from that :))
We almost made it through the front door before we started kissing. I was fumbling with my keys, unlocking my flat very ineffectively because suddenly my fingers were shaking, when he took my face gently but firmly in his hands and pressed his mouth to mine.
It felt so soft, so sure, it kinda broke my heart.
But not before it pulled a gasp out of me, an undeniable breath that betrayed just how much I wanted him — just in case it wasn’t obvious already, somehow.
Killian broke the kiss, and I watched his eyes slowly open, his gaze averted for a few long seconds before meeting mine. He started to smile, and I felt a grin flicker onto my mouth, the first with any real heat all day, all week, and I grabbed the lapels of his jacket, pulling him into me.
His tongue laved at mine, and then my bottom lip was between his teeth and he bit down just hard enough to yank a moan out of my lips. And then he let go, breathing hard, tapped lightly at my front door with a hand.
‘Let’s get inside.’
I nodded wordlessly, fumbling with the key in the lock, hardly daring to believe my luck. It felt like this was too good to be true, even though I was also certain that I’d pay for it, sooner or later.
But that wasn’t for now to think about. Now I had just gotten the door open. We tumbled in and I clicked it locked as Killian kicked off his boots.
‘How painfully familiar,’ he murmured as he looked around my tiny flat.
‘A very helpful comment,’ I said as I unzipped my boots and hung my coat. ‘Thanks a lot for that.’
He turned to face me, one corner of his mouth quirked up in a smile, his eyes dark and sparkling. ‘Is this how you want to play it?’ he said, taking one step toward me. The way he did it made me want to back away, and it was with a great effort of will that I didn’t.
‘What are you talking about?’ I said.
He rolled his eyes. ‘Don’t play dumb. I mean all this.’ He waved a hand vaguely. ‘Your little comments and jibes.’
‘Um, in response to all the shit you’re saying,’ I said, not skipping a beat.
He took another step toward me, now close enough to raise his hands and bring them to either side of my waist, sliding them down to rest on my hips. ‘Could never just play nice and get along, could you?’ he said lightly, and I felt the razor edge of truthfulness pricking at the silky facade of his words. ‘You always seemed to find that so hard to do.’
Everything inside me writhed at his words, indignant and disarmed and maddened, among other things. It hurt, of course — the dissolution of our relationship hanging in the air like salt spraying across a wound.
And the worst thing was, if anything, the hurt just made me want him more.
His hands on my hips were aflame.
I gave him a brittle grin. ‘What are you gonna do — break up with me for it?’
THAT’S ALL FOLKS THANKS FOR READING GOODBYE HAVE A NICE WEEKEND GODSPEED